- I don’t feel comfortable doing that.—I don’t know what you’re asking me to do (nurse to intern); I’m too lazy to do it (intern to resident); I think it’s a stupid idea and there’s no way you can make me do it (resident to attending); You’re not paying me enough to do this crap (attending to administration).
- It’s a light elective—You don’t need to show up.
- Needs to read more. (on a written evaluation)—I have no idea how much medicine this person knows. I barely know any myself.
- The family is reasonable.—Family members don’t ask too many questions and will agree with anything you say.
- The patient has xyz.—I’ve read in an old discharge summary that the patient has xyz, but have no idea how they established the diagnosis, what stage it is in, or what the hell xyz even is.
- The head is normocephalic, atraumatic. Pupils are equal, round and reactive to light and accommodation. Sclearae are nonicteric.—If I were to report the physical exam I actually did it would take five nanoseconds, so take these fillers to make it seem like I’ve put in some effort.
- Thank you for the thorough presentation.—Why did you waste my time with all that useless information?
- That’s an outpatient work-up.—Administration is already breathing down my neck because of this patient’s length of stay and you’re worried about a mild anemia and a positive hemoccult!?
- That’s her new baseline.—Her disease is worse and we don’t know why, so I guess she’s stuck with it.
- Please let me know if you have any more questions.—This is the end of our conversation, so please stop talking. I shall now leave.